Damn I miss that feeling of safety. Only two people in this world have made me feel that way – my own mother and my first and (for now) only love. You’ll say “you’re only 18, what do you know about love?” well I know enough. I know how when he embraced me everything around me stopped, I felt safe, calm and loved. You know, I guess, what I am talking about. You know what is like to be in the arms of your beloved and nothing else matters. I want to feel that again. For 4 years I have been searching for the same thing, I try to find it in various people, different, good, bad, but... it’s never the same. Maybe for that matter my heart is crippled, unable to commit fully to someone, unable to love truly again and closed for other’s love. It’s sad that my friends tell me that everything’s gonna be just fine, not because I don’t trust them, but they don’t know how I really feel, how it hurts and how painful it is. If you know how I feel – you’ll understand me, if you haven’t felt that way – you’ll judge me, and if you’re not alone – you won’t even care. I just wanted to share my wishes, my needs, myself. I’m a memory of a loved person, a phantom searching his philter with hope and desire.
I’m vexed only for one thing – the person I’m talking about will never know how I feel and what I felt about him, because for him everything was just infatuation and for me – everything.