It gets better

    So I took the pledge at ItGetsBetter.org to spread the word and to help people. There's no need for me to take any pledges that I'll treat people equally and I won't bully them. I know that. I was bullied from people I thought were my friends, which was the worst I think. I was bullied from classmates, but that's normal. I wasn't pretty enough to fit in. I was chubby and I had some other flaws that they thought this was disgusting and used to make fun of me. I suffered and I didn't have anyone to turn to. I cried for hours in my room. I even considered suicide. My mother told me to ignore them, but it's not that easy. Well it's easy to say it, it's easy to not go through that and just give advises, but this wasn't my case.  Maybe that's the reason why now I'm still so insecure, I consider myself not pretty enough, not slim enough, not smart enough just not good enough. And this things still keep me from being happy. But it's better. It really gets better. At least now I have people I can turn to, nobody's insulting me everyday. Actually I'm thankful. They did me a favor. You know why? Because they inspired me to do more, to be myself, to pursuit my dreams. And I know, I'm convinced, that it'll get even better. Now I'm in the university, studying to become something much more than them. (They probably won't be able to even read this because most of them don't know English.) But I don't hate them. Yes, they made my life a living hell, but they also made me stronger, even though I'm insecure.

    This wasn't just a pep-talk. I write this so if you, who are reading this lines, are bullied or harassed in any way, you should know that it really does get better, it's not just a phrase. If you don't trust me - go to this site www.itgetsbetter.com and you'll find out that you're not alone. We are stronger when we're together. And if you ever need to talk to anyone - I'm here. I won't judge you, I may not be able to help you, but I'll listen, and I know how helpful just listening can be. And I'm not the only one. 

    I know it's tough, I know they are mean, they want you to suffer, but it gets better. You'll be fine, the change will come. There are good people, kind people, who will help you. Don't give up! You are strong, you are beautiful, you are perfect - don't ever let them bring you down!

Numb

People think that feeling numb is not an option, that this is not a real thing, that you can't feel that way. But they are wrong. The fact that they don't understand, that they've never felt that way doesn't mean that this feeling doesn't exist. Actually Three Days Grace are right I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Because when you're numb, you don't feel anything. You don't feel the pain, you don't feel the disappointment, you don't feel alone. Although you know you're alone and you know you need someone, but you don't actually feel it. When you friends tell you that they love you, you don't feel anything, you're just unable to feel even love so strong. I hate myself when I'm like that, the feeling is worse than painful.


'I feel numb
I can't come to life
I feel like I'm frozen in time'
- Three Days Grace - World So Cold

29.08.2011

I just want to tell you something about this song. It makes me cry every time. It says so much about MJ. He was the perfect human being, he was so nice and he only wanted to change the world, to make it a better place, he cared, not many people do and not many try to do something either. He changed me, this song changed me, now I want to do something, I want to change the world, I really do want to make it a better place. I know I'm not the only one, I know he touched millions with his kindness. He inspires me so much. I still can't believe this perfect human is gone ...

End Of An Era

    It's been a few days since the world premiere of the last part of Harry Potter and I hadn't have the strength to write something earlier. The incredible story of the little wizard and his brave friends was a big part of my childhood and I'm sure of yours too. The end of the story marks also the end of my childhood, marks the end of a magical era.

    We were lucky to be the Harry Potter generation, ones who stand in front of the cinema waiting for the new movie, the ones who nervously waited the new books, the ones who shamelessly cried in the cinema, the ones who were part of the real magic. To grow up with something so beautiful is an honor and not every child has the opportunity to raise with the magic and in the same time to learn what bravery is, what loyalty is, what love is ... I'm proud that I was a part of this for the last 10 years and I'm also very sad and heartbroken that it's gone, it end is here. Actually not its real end because the magical world that J.K.Rowling created will be past for generations ahead. I know that my children and grandchildren will be raised with the tale of Harry Potter.  

    You know how they ask you 'How do you see yourself in 10 years?' and you don't know how to answer? I was like that, but not anymore. My answer from now on will be the following: 'In 10 years I see myself sitting in bed with my little daughter, I'm holding 'Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows' in my hand and I'm reading to her for good night. In her eyes there is the same fire, the same thirst for magic that I'm sure will be feeling the same way still. When I read to her about Fred Weasley's death, something that I'll never be able to get over, a tear would come down my face, but she won't ask me why I'm crying because she'll know, she'll be a par of the same magic. 

    As a conclusion I want to thank Miss Rowling for everything she did for us. I want to thank her for my childhood and I want to thank her for keeping the child in me alive. The love of millions of fans across the world is something that she deserves more than anyone. I bow before her talent and thank her for everything. 

    As for you Harry .. I'll miss you .. ALWAYS

I do believe in magic

"You know, I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time ... In a magic town ... Among magicians. Most everybody else didn't realize we lived in that web of magic. Connected by the silver filaments of chance and circumstance. But I knew it all along. See, this is my opinion - we all start outknowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up, for God’s sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth. And because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they'd allowed to wither in themselves.

After you go so far away from it, you can't really get it back. You can have seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies, it's because in that dark theater, the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they're left feeling a little heart-sad and not knowing why. When a song stirs a memory, when motes of dust turning in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world, when you listen to a train passing on a track at night in the distance and you wonder where it might be going, you step beyond who you are and where you are. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm. 

That's what I believe.

The truth of life is that every year we get farther away from the essence that is born within us. We get shouldered with burdens, some of them good, some of them not so good. Things happen to us. Loved ones die. People get in wrecks and get crippled. People lose their way, for one reason or another. It’s not hard to do, in this world of crazy mazes. Life itself does its best to take that memory of magic away from us. You don’t know it’s happening until one day you feel you’ve lost something but you’re not sure what it is. It’s like smiling at a pretty girl and she calls you “sir.” It just happens. 

These memories of who I was and where I lived are important to me. They make up a large part of who I’m going to be when my journey winds down. I need the memory of magic if I am ever going to conjure magic again. I need to know and remember, and I want to tell you."

- Robert R. McCammon (Boy's Life)

I middle finger you

    Ah once again I was a witness of something desperate. Fairly cute guy running after one of those girls with fake hair and artificial intelligence. I know that they are easy and that's one of the things that attract boys - you will get late on the second day (if she manege to wait until then) but why would guys do that to themselves? Aren't they disgusted? When they kiss wouldn't her 'daub' fell off? Or is it that they are so in cast that their face is frozen under the letter 'O'. Agrh. Boys you better buy a sex doll - she won't spray daub on you, doesn't talk and makes sex whenever you want - her head never hurts.

    No seriously I got so desperate of the other sex. Don't get me wrong there are some good and awesome guys but they are not my type. STOP! Don't judge me and tell me that I don't have to chose and to take whatever life gives me, because I've had my mistakes and I know what I want, how I want it and why I want it. But really I don't get why most of the boys chase those bimbos. I know that they are easier because you can't argue with something that can't find some good arguments (if she find any). But why? Don't you dream about more? Don't you dream about someone like you? Someone with whom you'll have fun, fight, go wild but always understood and you can figure your problems without ugly pictures and phrases ... Or perhaps you've lowered your standards that much that you're ready to give up everything just for some meaningless sex?

    I'm desperate. So desperate that this June on the music fest I'm gonna find as many as possible hot boys and fuck them all. Oh am i cynical? Do you feel offended? Well welcome on my side of the things.

Ahhh Enrique

So a few days ago was Enrique Iglesias concert in Bulgaria... for the first time he visited our country and … there is no way to not share with you guys my experiences and emotions.  First of all I have to say that I’ve never loved Enrique but I’ve always respected and liked him and considered him as a very positive and nice person. After that night everything changed (for good of course). Now for me this guy is … much more, I adore him, I adore his stage presence and the way he connects with the crowd.

Unlike Rihanna we didn’t have to wait for him for two hours. Yes we waited half an hour but only because he was supposed to get on stage at 9... and he was there at 9:05. Only 5 minutes late! This man despite how famous he is, didn’t exalted himself  and he know what it feels like to wait in the rain to see one of the biggest stars at the moment. He didn’t overrated himself that he is something more than the ordinary people and he continues to be a normal person and to act like one even on stage, for which I admire him and congratulate him.

            The way he blows the crowd is absolutely unbelievable! Every little thing which he did he didn’t do it just like that so he can sing a few songs and then take the money and go home, he did it for the crowd! And the end … when he toke up a random girl from the crowd and... and sang personally to her “Hero” … it was so intimate and romantic … I still don’t know how this girl didn’t lost conscious... I know it wasn’t me up there but I felt everything with her.

            What the hell I’m doing? I’m trying to describe you with words something which is unexplainable if you weren’t there and didn’t feel it. You didn’t feel the euphoria, the adrenalin, the excitement of every single person in the crowd. I’m sure people will talk about that for a looong time.

            After all if you weren’t there (or any other Enrique concert) you sure missed a lot!  

Life is not a movie...

    "Life is not a movie. Good guys lose, everybody lies, and love does not conquer all."

    How much truth there is in this words. And with every year the hope that there is happy ending for the good girls and boys vanishes little by little. This quote is from a movie from 1994 .. since then 16 years have passed. If people then were thinking that  it's hard why don't they take a look at our lives now - a jungle. Even at the jungle it's easier. Every animal has it's own way of attracting the other gender and it depends on different things - appearance, dance, song, overpower - and what about us? To us it's all about who's better player, who will offer more of themselves, who is a bigger ho and whose wallet is bigger. Is that important now? Where are the values, where is the love .. ok forget the love, where are the values? Where are the important stuff which make us happy - tenderness, care, the touch from the love one, his kisses ...

       Yes truly life isn't a movie 'cuz in the movies everything's perfect, there're all of the deceptions about love, good guys, honesty, but now even the movies are conquered by the ugly truth. Now good guys don't win the girl of their dreams (who usually is their best friend), no they stay with broken hearts while she's gone to some jerk 'cuz the bigger asshole you are more chicks are all over you. Everybody lies and that's what sells. And love ... hah .. it is said that every one of those movies is about romance but not about the pure and irreplaceable one, tender one, the one which makes your stomach turns when you think about your lover's finger across your skin. but the broken, corrupt, tainted one which they call love but it isn't even close to the real deal.

    Life is not a movie .. and sooner you realize it easier it would be to become a reckless  bitch or two-faced player and you will be "happy" behind the mask of the stereotype.

Boys ..

Today for a countless time I was convinced that if a cute guy is not taken or gay than he must be unbelievably stupid or maniacal perv. Eventually there can exist 2-3 normal guys, but lets get back to the main idea. It happen some boys to be more stupid than others or to be freaks that’s even cool, or to be pervs, they all are it’s their nature. But when things get mixed up the picture gets ugly.

            Let’s say you meet this awesome guy in a blog, dating site, facebook and you think how cool he is. You start a conversation and find out that you two have a lot in common, music, books, and movies for example. “Great” you think “Not only he is sexy but he also has a great taste.” You decide to move to the next step – Skype (or any program similar to that)! WOW!! Here is where you find our hero’s real identity. While you are talking about going to the sea and he offers you if you bump to each other there to buy you a drink and you suggest that you can even swim together and here comes the line “that way I could hid myself if something gets up”. You say to yourself that this is ok, he is a guy and that kind of things happen, it’s not fatal.  Yeah but few lines lower he offers you willingly to show you his winner. Wait! WHAT?!

            Yep dear ladies those are the risks to be alone searching for the perfect guy always facing one of a kind assholes. And I think that this is the better version because at least this one is not so stupid that you’re trying to find any logic or he is just unbelievably stupid. The line of his thoughts has so many turns and rest stops that it would be difficult even for a rally champion.

            But you can’t quit because somewhere between this crowd of wrong ones for which there is also a half also such nymphos , is walking your perfect man, not too perfect, just a guy with who you can talk and it’s not needed for any perversions .. Just someone who will understand you. And about his sexiness? Everyone has its own criteria; in someone’s eyes everyone’s beautiful. =]

Listening to: 
Across The Sky – Everywhere She Goes 
Jay Sean – Down 

Corpse

          Yesterday as I was doing the dishes I realized how sad the life of the glasses is. While I was throwing the waste of someone’s food in the trash I spotted a corpse … a corpse of a glass. It was sad. I was sadden to see her there … it pieces. Somebody has killed her.

            Later it was discovered that nobody has killed her, she was found that way and someone good enough has buried her in the trash. How sad. A suicide... But why did she do it? Didn’t I give her everything? Didn’t I give her love and juice...? Although the last few weeks she was on a diet, only juice diet without cola. Maybe there was the problem?

            How sad … 

FIFA World Cup 2010

   You know the World Cup, that one in Afrika, with the jabulani and vuvuzelas? Yah I know you do, let's face it it's a WORLD cup there's no way any normal person miss it. So I was watching the games, all the games and I have a few things to say. 
   I can't say much about the commentators, 'cuz I'm from BG and a few people would know what I'm talking about. But I bet that almost everyone of you guys has that annoying person, who thinks he knows everything, even the PIN of the players and he's a better player than anyone of them. I fuckin' hate that guy. 
   Anyways about the teams. I can't get it when you can't play, I mean you are in a bed shape and it's just not your world cup, and you have to blame the vuvuzelas and the jabulani. You are a professional player you shouldn't mind such things. 
   And what's with Pique? It's not that I don't like him, vice versa I like him a lot, but poor guy his luck just doesn't exist. He bleed on the field, he was kicked in the .. you know, he bleed again .. It's not fair ... 
  My favorite part is when the judge kicked out african goalkeeper. I laugh my ass off on that. And my other favorite part  is the game between Brazil and New Zealand. you know what I mean. ahha
  Now the octopus said that Spain will win and I trust him, even though I don' mind even if Netherlands win. Both teams deserve the cup. Who did you cheer for on this World Cup? 
And a little sth for everyone:

Betrayed

            Have you ever felt betrayed and lied whole life? Well I just felt like that. But truly … I think that I don’t even know my own mother. Why did she lye to me? Or why didn’t she tell me? Sometimes it’s the same. I thought the relationship between mother and daughter should be very strong and there have to be sharing. I know that I and mum are not like that, but not to tell me something that important? I didn’t expect that from her …

            And the stupid thing is that she told me like it was nothing and now she doesn’t want me to “bother her with nonsense” … Yeah I told so too ... What if that was me? Why my opinion is not important for her? Ok, I was little (I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t, but how should I know when she isn’t telling me), I wasn’t able to gave proper opinion, but still .. Well in this house my view is one big nothing ... at least for that kind of stuff … I know if I have the same decision to make, I wouldn’t do the same...

            Why the fuck didn’t she tell me?!?! And why doesn’t she want to talk to me for that? Why not only once she asked me what I think … A LIE … that was my life...

            The worst thing is to fell betrayed by your own mother … I know I haven’t agreed with her so many times, but it wasn’t anything that would disappoint me .. I’m ashamed …

Yeah, about the drinking ...

 So I guess every one of you guys has been drunk at least once in his life. But I don't mean a little drunk, I mean so drunk that you couldn't count how many times you puked. And yet you remember .. most of the things. Let me tell you something about being drunk - DON'T EVER DO THAT (again).

  First of all why do you do it? Just for fun, to forget, to drown the pain? Yeah ok, drink, it's natural and common, but don't get drunk. I know you have a good reason, everybody does (well except the alcoholics, but that's another story). I usually do it to drown the pain .. unsuccessfully,the only think that go under water is my dinner (or the last thing I had). 

  Another thing is that you embarrass yourself in front of your friends, and sometimes even some strangers. You do stupid stuff - like trying to lit a candle, which falls on you, and everyone get nervous, 'cuz maybe you would set them on fire. Or kiss your ex, or even having sex with him. Which you will regret later, I know. Sleeping randomly with some strangers. Puking on the floor. Falling. And my personal specialty - getting depressed and crying, without stopping. 

  Then you puke.

  Then you make full of yourself again. 

  Then you puke ... again ... and again ..

 ... and again ..

 and then you fall asleep on the toilet sit. 

Haha so drink, but don't get drunk it's my suggestion *wink* 

In my head

   I was making some thinking and I decided to share my thoughts with you...

   So have you ever watched a movie or series and thought "damn that girl/boy is just like me". Well I have. I think I'm much alike with Brook Davis from One Tree Hill and Chandler from Friends. Like Brooke I'm always miserable in love. All my friends have boyfriends (or girlfriends) and I'm the only one who's alone. But I'm not giving up on love, 'cuz I know some day it will find me just like it found Brooke. I mean when something awesome is happening to her, I know there is a chance that something nice could happen to me too. And Chandler is funny and weird, so am I. Haha also just like him I'm 18-years-old virgin, but lets hope this would change soon. So if anybody reads my blog, please tell me what are yours movie/series characters. =P

   Another thing I was thinking about is destiny and how much I hate her sometimes. I mean COME ON!!! How could she do this to us?! Today I saw (again) my net-services guy and I was like WOW. But I know I can't have him, 'cuz he's married with child.. and about 10 years older than me (but that last one doesn't bother me). So why does fate shows us such incredible creatures, when we can't have them?!?! How did I deserve that? What have I done?  

   I think that's all for now. See you soon bloggers.

What I had, what I need and what I want ..

  Damn I miss that feeling of safety. Only two people in this world have made me feel that way – my own mother and my first and (for now) only love. You’ll say “you’re only 18, what do you know about love?” well I know enough. I know how when he embraced me everything around me stopped, I felt safe, calm and loved. You know, I guess, what I am talking about. You know what is like to be in the arms of your beloved and nothing else matters. I want to feel that again. For 4 years I have been searching for the same thing, I try to find it in various people, different, good, bad, but... it’s never the same. Maybe for that matter my heart is crippled, unable to commit fully to someone, unable to love truly again and closed for other’s love. It’s sad that my friends tell me that everything’s gonna be just fine, not because I don’t trust them, but they don’t know how I really feel, how it hurts and how painful it is. If you know how I feel – you’ll understand me, if you haven’t felt that way – you’ll judge me, and if you’re not alone – you won’t even care. I just wanted to share my wishes, my needs, myself. I’m a memory of a loved person, a phantom searching his philter with hope and desire.

   I’m vexed only for one thing – the person I’m talking about will never know how I feel and what I felt about him, because for him everything was just infatuation and for me – everything.

The beginning

   So outside is raining, flashing, rumbling and thundering .. and of course my car's alarm is whining. So in that wonderfull night I decided to start a blog, another one, but this time in English, so I could share my pain, joy and urges with the world. haha i sound stupid, but who cares? The important thing is that I started it! Before I go to bed, let me tell you a few things about me: I'm young, disturbed and totally lost in life 18-years-old girl from Bulgaria (I'll talk about my lovely country soon), my prom is a week from now, and I don't know what's gonna happen to me next. All I know is that outside is raging a storm and I'm fuckin' scared, so I'm going to bed, hoping that I would go to sleep quickly.